


Customer Satisfaction...Guaranteed?

by funsizedshaw



Category: Person of Interest (TV)
Genre: Crack, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-26
Updated: 2015-12-26
Packaged: 2018-05-09 13:09:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5541245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/funsizedshaw/pseuds/funsizedshaw
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sameen Shaw is going to save the world from the perils of online shopping, one strongly worded Amazon review at a time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Customer Satisfaction...Guaranteed?

**Author's Note:**

> i dont really know where this is going, but i hope to have more instalments. [this](http://www.amazon.com/Gourmet-Starfrit-060776-Cleaner-Mushroom/dp/B00D8AW6LA) is the link to the actual product on amazon.
> 
> unbeta-ed.

Mini Table Vacuum Cleaner  
★★☆☆☆   
By Sameen S. 

 

Not for pet owners. Specifically if you have a Belgian Malinois who sheds thick fur that gets everywhere and a friend who is overprotective of her computers. And especially if said friend will scowl and refuse to engage in very fun extra curricular activities with you when this useless vacuum cleaner fails spectacularly and gets dog hair all over her precious equipment. 

Let me start from the beginning. It all began when my very annoying friend (let's call her Nerdilocks) obnoxiously moved all her computers into my apartment. This wasn’t the first time she had displayed absolutely no regard for my personal space, and I was ready to put my foot down.

Unfortunately, highly creative persuasion as well as the uncanny ability to know exactly what I’m craving to eat are some of her many talents. Needless to say, she successfully convinced me to make space for her technological equipment. Little did I know that this would be the beginning of many problems. 

First, she started complaining because I was eating near her computers. Nerdilocks here is an infuriating nerd who has gigantic computers as big as her nerd brain. It’s not my fault that the chunks of metal take up an entire wall near the windows where I like to stand and watch the dog park. The perfect view is the reason why I even moved into this place. That, and the fantastic steakhouse down the street. Nerdilocks thinks I should have picked an apartment with rooms. Well, I wasn’t exactly planning on having my loft invaded by an obnoxious nerd and her gang of machines was I?

Initially, I refused to find somewhere else to eat (this is my apartment dammit!). But Nerdilocks decided to withhold certain very fun activities when she found crumbs in her keyboard so I had no choice but to compromise (did i mention she is very good at persuasion?). And that is how I ended up buying this vacuum cleaner.

I should have known then not to trust something that looks like a mushroom from Mario Kart. But just as I was trying to decide, Nerdilocks had gotten over her pettiness and was enticing me with mouthwatering steak to eat, along with dessert. I didn’t consider that my hastiness would backfire on me. 

Sure enough, that is exactly what happened. One fine afternoon, my favourite dog, Bear, and me were enjoying each other’s company at home and I decided to let him take a look at the dog park as well. Bear is a big, gorgeous Belgian Malinois but he isn’t tall enough to look out the windows so I figured it would be okay to let him sit up on the computer table. After all, I reasoned, the vacuum cleaner I had just bought would be able to clean up his fur before Nerdilocks got home. 

In this regard, the cleaner definitely did a good job in sucking up all of Bear’s fur and other trash that was on the couch and coffee table. It was quick and efficient. The tabletops were spotless. I was confident that Nerdilocks would be pleased, which would have very rewarding consequences for me later on.

Bear went to sleep on the couch while I decided to make a sandwich to accompany me in my dog watching. The dogs were very entertaining as usual and I laughed out loud a few times, resulting in crumbs flying across the table. I didn’t worry too much as I could just clean them up later with my new purchase. Or so I told myself. 

Nerdilocks called soon enough to let me know that she would be home soon with my favourite steak (one of the reasons I haven’t kicked her out yet). I quickly grabbed the vacuum cleaner to clean up the crumbs on the computers. And then everything went pear shaped. This hideous green mushroom decided that it would royally fuck up and ruin my chances of ever getting another free steak from that steakhouse in St Louis.

First, it wasn’t sucking up any crumbs. I knew I was running out of time before Nerdilocks got back so I notched it up to a higher speed. This is where things went SNAFU. It sputtered like one of those old cars that are just highway pileups waiting to happen. Then it made a gross farting noise that woke Bear up. Next thing I knew, I was covered in massive amounts of dog fur and other trash. And so were all the expensive computers. As if things couldn’t get any worse, Nerdilocks entered at that exact moment. 

Without going into too much detail, I work a fairly dangerous job and have been in enough unsafe situations. Even then, I have never worried too much about my safety. At that moment however, I was almost fully certain that I was about to be tased (Nerdilocks is partial to tasers, don’t ask) and my skin flayed with an iron (she likes irons too) before I would be tossed into a river.

Thankfully, she didn’t maim me. No, she just broke my heart by dropping the entire gorgeous cut of steak into the trash can and then dumping whatever she could grab of Bear’s fur right on top of it. I tried my best to reason with her but even I know better than to confront a raging nerd when she’s ticked off about her precious chunks of metal. Which were all covered in dog fur. Informing her that I had just bathed Bear the day before did nothing to help make things better. 

I was lucky to have escaped with my limbs intact that day. Piece of advice to all of you: never trust something that looks like it came straight out of a 90s video game. Get yourself a proper vacuum cleaner. Or you’ll end up starving and spending the rest of your Sunday afternoon cleaning up dog hair from computer parts while your unwelcome roommate glares daggers at you. 

\--

_“Nerdilocks? Does that mean you think I have beautiful hair Sameen?”_

Shaw rolls her eyes and settles more comfortably in the car seat. “Did you hack into my phone?” 

_“No sweetie. She keeps a lookout for activity involving variations of your name. So you’ve taken up writing amazon reviews now?”_

“I was bored. This guy has just been sitting on his couch watching tv for the past 5 hours. And I’m out of food."

_“Be patient Sam, there’s about to be some action soon. And you didn’t answer my question.”_

Shaw shakes her head at the pout in Root’s voice. “What, Nerdilocks? Nothing to do with your hair. More to do with your complete disregard for other people’s personal spaces.” 

_“We both know you love me invading all your personal spaces sweetie. Speaking of which, I have something very special for you later. Maybe you can even write another amazon review about it.”_

Shaw grins slightly at the seductive note Root’s voice has taken on. “Whatever. See you later nerd. And bring food." 

**Author's Note:**

> i hope shaw wasnt too ooc in that.


End file.
